I'm torn

I've been consider this since Christmas time. I know I have an open invitation. And I want to take it. Gin's house is so warm and inviting. It feels like a home. I've been in too many places that feel nothing like that. I've not felt like this in a long time. I've not felt this safe and warm at a place. And I know that he would let me stay. He's even said as much. He wouldn't suddenly kick me out if I did something he didn't like. I wouldn't have to leave a packed bag at the door. And I know he has welcomed me to keep my open door policy, so that students who need me can still come to me.

But I also know I'm a bit of a mess. In more than one way. He doesn't need that. He's already got one to look after and I know I shouldn't give him more work. Plus, Akira is still settling in. I'm not sure how well he would take having someone else around. Especially someone who shares so many of his most painful experiences. Plus with all my bad habits. I'm not quite a figure for him to be looking up to.

I'm trying though. I'm trying hard to be better than I was. I've stopped gambling and I only smoke a pack a week now...and beer only on Saturday. I want to be someone worth him... worth them.

I never thought I was worth a family other than my boys at Shitenhouji. But...I want to try.

I suppose I should start packing my things. My lease is up soon anyway.